Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
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Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Happy Thanksgiving
