Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
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1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
based
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
incredible
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.