Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

what could possibly go wrong?

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”