Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.