Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete