Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else