Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
You Might Also Like
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
peep davidson
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
My last name is Zilla.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.