Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
You Might Also Like
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen