Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
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Ummm 😳
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Just me and my debit card against the world
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.