Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
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A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.