Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

ㅤ

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

This forever.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.