Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
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The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
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When you’re Kinky but poor
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me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
looks legit
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Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel