Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Raisins are grape jerky.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
What a year we’ve had this week.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one