Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
You Might Also Like
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I missed you with all my darts
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no