Remember folks 😂
You Might Also Like
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices