Remember folks 😂
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
They also CAN sing✌️
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?