Remember folks 😂
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?