Remember folks 😂
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One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
