pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
quarantine day 3
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later