Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅