Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
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Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
mom had nothing to worry about
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold