Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
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My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast