Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?