Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
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Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO