Remember folks 😂
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My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people