Remember folks 😂
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Delightful if true: booby trap.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace