Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
This billboard speaks to me
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.