Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators