Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.