Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Wise advice

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them