Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
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“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”