Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
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My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.