Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas