Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd