Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
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My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
United Steaks of America
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
fr
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!