Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
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Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Frankenstein?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.