Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
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POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.