Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Got a light

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Some people were born into their job.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?