Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
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Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Any refunds available?…
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Jogging
