Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
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Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
it must be school picture day
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”