Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

Driving in Europe vs Canada

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave: