Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
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It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones