Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.