Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

🐟✨ #re4

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on