Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

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[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this


I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?


I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.


Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?



me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell


I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy


*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.


The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis