@alfageeek

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

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@AndrewNadeau0

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

@sirrruh

My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.

@HatfieldAnne

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

@DrakeGatsby

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

@notacroc

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

@daemonic3

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

@LoveNLunchmeat

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

@MUMSIEesq

Having identical twins is great because if you misplace one you have a second copy.