Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

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ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?


My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.


Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*


“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils


GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no



– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients


The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.


Having identical twins is great because if you misplace one you have a second copy.