Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs