Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Blocked: 1985
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Seems kinda suspicious
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.