Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
my dog when i have a friend over
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.