Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A Lamborghini.

Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.

Dump her and find one with some money

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*