Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
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5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.