Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
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Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.