Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
You Might Also Like
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
courtroom exchange of the day
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
i want enemies
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.