Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
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Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
ACED my prostate exam!
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case