Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sry

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.