Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.