remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
The news
I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes