Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

HOW DARE YOU

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

CUTE CAT‼︎

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.