Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

So sick of all these stupid rules

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

not seeing the problem

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.