Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
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Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.