Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
i wouldn’t say I have an addiction, but the ladies at my local Taco Bell just threw me a surprise baby shower.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what