Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

Can’t. Being lazy.

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am