Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
need him
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately