Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
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Who needs an Air Fryer?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
This raises questions
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.