Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
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This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking