Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
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I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
why I oughta
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.