Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.