Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
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Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
on da cob, we all corn
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
This is a genius move
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.