Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

I only eat vegetarians.

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night