Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
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Getting married soon just need a spouse
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…