Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
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My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
a public service announcement
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s