Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

When you’re here for the treats.

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope