Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
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Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
By Kate Hatos
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE