Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
OKAY DAD
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
doctor: “we can’t bring your husband out of a coma. It’s already been 2 weeks.”
Me: “hang on I have an idea” [buys a truck without towing package]
Husband: [both eyes pop open]
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?