Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
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If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.